tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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