my being single is dangerous.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
