If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
