I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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