My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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