At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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