you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize