genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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