We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
