He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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