Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
