I bet he comes in French.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize