it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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