apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
