how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
