This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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