haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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