Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
