dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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