he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
do herpes really smell.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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