I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
