I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
