TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
