she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
