Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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