Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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