Umm I'm too high to move.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
