Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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