Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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