Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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