I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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