Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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