Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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