I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
