i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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