I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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