Your face is a jimmy john
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
