Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
