I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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