champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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