it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
