In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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