And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
