he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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