Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
