you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
