you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
