I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
