he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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