every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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