I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Soap is not a condiment
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
