apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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