I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize