i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
