i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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