I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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