Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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