I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
